Glossary
Flying monkeys.
Flying monkeys are third parties — friends, extended family, mutual acquaintances, sometimes the survivor's own children — recruited by the narcissist to deliver pressure, criticism, or surveillance on their behalf. The term comes from the Wicked Witch of the West's airborne enforcers in The Wizard of Oz.
Audio readout.
Definition
A flying monkey is anyone the narcissist has positioned to do their relational work for them. The arrangement is rarely explicit; the third party usually has no idea they are being used. The narcissist's framing has been supplied in advance — often months or years before any open conflict — through the same channels described in smear campaigns. By the time the flying monkey reaches out to the survivor, they believe they are concerned, mediating, or holding a difficult party accountable. In fact they are delivering pressure that the narcissist orchestrated.
What flying monkeys do
Common assignments:
- Relaying messages. “She wanted me to tell you…” — bypassing the survivor's stated no-contact stance.
- Mediation in name only. Setting up a conversation framed as neutral, with talking points that are not.
- Surveillance. Reporting back on the survivor's life, dating, finances, social activity, especially after a discard.
- Pressure. “You're being too harsh,” “she's really suffering,” “think about the kids.”
- Public reputation work. Defending the narcissist in mutual social contexts; subtly running down the survivor in others.
Who tends to become a flying monkey
The narcissist's own family members are common. Mutual friends who knew the narcissist longer are common. Members of the survivor's family who were charmed by the narcissist and are loyal to that earlier impression are common. In cases involving children, adult or near-adult children sometimes take on the role with respect to a co-parent, particularly after a separation in which alienation has been active. The unifying feature is not malice; it is having received the narcissist's framing first and not having received the survivor's framing at all.
What helps
Inside individual relationships: do not relay messages, do not accept relayed messages, decline to discuss the narcissist with anyone who is in active contact with them. State the no-contact stance once, briefly, without justifying it. Some flying monkeys, given time and the absence of fresh material, lose interest and drift back to neutrality. Some don't. Both outcomes are part of the post-discard social ecosystem, and rebuilding from the survivors is part of recovery. See also abuse/smear-campaigns.
Where this appears on the site
The article the flying monkey treats the dynamic at length — particularly the recruitment side (most flying monkeys are well-meaning people who have been triangulated into the role) and the under-discussed perspective of readers who realize they have themselves been flying monkeys for someone in their social circle.
